things i have said recently, out of context:

"yes, that is a very smackable ass."

"dude, if your mom's not going to smoke marijuana, why did she bother getting cancer?"
(runner up, to the same person, who cancelled a dinner date: "your mom's cancer is really inconvenient for me, so tell her to get over it already.")

"take this job and shove it!"
"..."
"no, really, I'm quitting."